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Archive for the ‘Poetry’ Category

I’m beaten up to happiness

05 Feb

I’m beaten up to happiness
What are you going to do because
I don’t smile at you
I won’t, I should
I could, but I don’t
Do I even have the right
to dislike you even a little
Or are you going to make it all go away
with a quick solution
swallow a pill and make it all OK
The drugs will take it all away
But without the faith
in the madness
I find peace in chaos and the sadness
feed the children the drugs
even if you say it’s wrong
After all what is one more
year, month, week, day, hour, minute, second
when you can quickly make it all go away
spend no time with them at all
make excuses of work and taxes
and make them fall in love with a lighted box
typing, watching
like little drones that don’t know better
and to cure that
for surely that’s not healthy
feed them something more, like a quick fix
to make them smile as they once did,
when time really mattered

 
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Posted in Childhood, Parenting, Poetry

 

Don’t Control the Tide

19 Feb

Don’t control the tide
Leading me by force of sad resentment filling your eyes
I, a lemming, by your command
then downtime you ask
where time and distance is never enough
Trapped by emotional indecision
my fault for not choosing the right wrong decision
No in betweens of all things your way
In thinking your insecurities were mine
You displaced those out on me though I am not the same
Your acts should be done yesterday
My acts can wait tomorrow
Your arrogance told me to be over affectionate
In your machinations I found you clingy
Make up your emotional mind
for all I wait for is the incoming tide

 
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Posted in Poetry

 

Circular Emotion

19 Feb

It was not attention I wanted
it would not fill the void
Feeling as if I was not there
cast far off over the Earth
I’d look and you were not there
on the other side of the Earth
my heart ached to know we were both there
I tried everything to know
that you and I existed together
but further and more empty the void
I was not remembered until I wanted to be remembered
a shed photograph burnt at the edges in your mind
It was flesh that I wanted to be
sacrificed everything to be that for you
and then berated for not being me
I did not exist anymore than a shadow
more alone I felt when I was with you
and it ate me piece by piece
it chewed me
a black hole that I would not acknowledge
until I was without you
But I was always lonely with you

 
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Posted in Poetry

 

The Last Moment

19 Feb

In the last minute alone,
but with a sweet fare-thee-very well,
I am departing for the place
I longed for so inevitably.
So tried and true I needed it so.
And perhaps in this time
I find a sweet moment of true repose.

 
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Posted in Poetry

 

A Doll

24 Feb

My face like a doll. A doll bought and sold to the first vendor they could find. A doll, a delight for a while. A doll thrown in the corner.

“That doll is stupid.”

Convenience fairs on how many times she will brush my hair. If I am not perfect I am stupid. I am worthless. My clothes have to be ironed to perfection. My demeanor so that I am prim and proper.

Grade me to perfection. Love me, please, or my paint will run in my tears. But I’ve been forgotten.

Rage hits like tomorrow won’t come. Screams. “How could you do that to me” for things not my fault. Large rage for small things. Hole in knees. That’s not proper. Dirt on clothes. Shoes on floor. Lost sock. The doll, perhaps, does not know its place.

“Appologize to me

A doll, I cannot speak. There is no use in speaking. Her yells drown out mine.

“Dolly–I will punish you.”

Forgotten. Thrown in the corner. I can’t see anything but the floral wallpaper of her room. The shadow of my body casts against the wall.

Yank.

“See! I have one too. Mine is better than yours.”

She loves me. She is talking about me to others. She loves me.

Thrown in the corner.

“I hate you. My friend has one with brown hair! Why can’t you have brown hair?”

If I cry, my face will crack. I am worthless chipped. Forgotten again.

She’s brushing my hair and repainting my face. She loves me. I need her. She’s washing my clothes. I’m sure she loves me. New shoes.

“I’m letting Sally borrow you. You better behave. Tell her how wonderful I am. Don’t look bad or get dirty because that’ll make me look bad.”

She gives me to Sally. Sally brushes my hair every day. Sally invites me for tea with her other dolls. Sally hugs me. She pats me on the head. I want to cry. I can’t cry. I want to cry. Sally lets me cry.

“I won’t tell.”

She repaints my face as tears slip down my porcelain cheek.

Back.

“You were terrible. You forgot to mention how wonderful I am. You were supposed to praise me.”

Corner. I can now make out that the leaves on the wallpaper were once green. Faded now. My make up is fading too. I am glad. I miss Sally.

 
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Posted in Parenting, Parents, Poetry

 
 
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