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Archive for the ‘Mi-ism’ Category

Cultural Anthropology

19 Feb

Growing up, I knew a little to nothing about Korea. I think that Cultural Anthropology helped to open the window for me to understand Korea through a better context, giving me a new mind set to understand the problems of Korea and the larger social problems that ended up both making me be born and me being adopted.

Cultural Anthropology taught me a way to understand culture without judgment and taught me how to deal with culture shock–ask more questions. It also helped me to learn Korean, process the cultural items I saw in Korean dramas and figure out if that part of the drama was part of culture, or part of the art I was experiencing.

I was grateful to Cultural Anthropology that I made it one of my two majors. I wanted to go into cultural anthropology to understand the prejudice that was launched at me. I wanted to be able to sort what was Japan without the stereotypes of Japan. I wanted to understand China and answer some cosmic questions I had about human nature since I was very little.

What is human nature? Is it evil? Is it good? Is there one morality in the world? How do you navigate between the “perfect” morality and plain prejudice? Is there a way?

Cultural Anthropology helped me to understand relativism in a new way. And this fed my inner writer too. This help feed how I could write a character that was totally immoral and still justify it through other means. This helped me understand the kids that teased me through grade school and see a bigger picture of the good and bad of humanity.

Ultimately, Cultural Anthropology gave me a way to understand humanity itself and feel connected to the planet that I breathe on. It gave me a sense of being connected to this large vast universe and a way to understand myself, who was caught between cultures and ways of being more.

 
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Posted in Life Philosophy, Mi-ism

 

End of a Friendship

19 Feb

I was still friends with my ex-boyfriend, but shortly after the death of my maternal grandmother I gave up contact. He was being manipulative again and refused to see it. I wasn’t involved with him romantically in any way, but he still thought that he was entitled to control my actions.

Getting away from him was like waking up from a long dream, where the waking up was painful and long.

What finally did it was that I finally gained friends of my own that were outside of him. I was able to “see” myself better and to define myself better without him.

I called him up one day and asked if he’d like to go out and have some fun–I didn’t need to go out with him, but I thought it might be fun. He asked if I wanted to print out a game FAQ for him. I didn’t outright refuse, but said, I wanted to buy paper. Don’t get me wrong. I can buy paper through the internet, but I thought since he said it was OK, I may as well get some paper.

We went to Pasedena to eat. It’s an expensive area. I paid for the food and he gave half of the bill because he didn’t want to rely on me. Then he went with me to buy some paper. Since I’m a writer in the process of collecting rejections, I like to get boxes of paper at discount. I bought the paper for myself, lifted the box myself and he insisted that he put it in the car myself.

He took me home and then he said, “Now print out the game FAQ for me.”

I said, “No.”

“Look, I did you a favor. I took you out of the apartment [that I was living in separate from him....] and now you owe me a favor. If you can’t do this, then maybe we shouldn’t be friends.”

So I ignored him, closed the door, and let him go home. He went to his hometown for a few weeks then I went to my grandmother’s funeral. I contacted him through e-mail and asked for the stuff I’d left at his apartment at my front step since I was going to school. I broke off my friendship with him and blocked his e-mail address. That was the last I thought I’d see of him.

 
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Posted in Mi-ism

 

Stalker: Mark two?

19 Feb

There was a light tap on my door. I chose not to get up. And then I heard someone scream my name outside my door. I sat where I was. I muttered to myself, “Now, I’m definitely not answering the door.”

In the morning, I saw the papers from the mail trash bin in my front yard. It made me wonder who the crazy bastard was. But there is only one male I know well enough for them to call me by name.

 
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Posted in Mi-ism

 

Flinching

19 Feb

I would wake up crying without knowing why, my pillow was stained with tears and I was starting to flinch more and more at the outside world. The stress was getting to me so badly that I was hearing or seeing things that weren’t there and I was beginning to not be able to sort through what was dream and what was reality.

I realized that something was wrong and I needed to do something about it. I’d been writing a book through Nanowrimo, which I described earlier as writing a 50,000 word novel in a month. five days into the writing of the novel, I began to realize a lot of things I was suppressing inside of myself.

This was why I went to the Korean class early, and after some examination, I decided to map out my relationships on the white board with my brother, my maternal grandmother, my paternal grandmother, my mom, my dad, Eomma and Appa. I wrote their names and the relationships they had to each other and when I was done, I stared at the gigantic mess before me and said, “Where is my male lead?”

Before me I saw that I was trying to fix all of the relationships in the family and it wasn’t making me happy, but I was afraid that if I let go of those strings that bound my family together that it would fall apart. The stress of trying to balance those relationships for other people was plainly written on the board for me. I was acting as conduit for Appa and my brother, for my brother and my mother, for my brother and my paternal grandmother, for my mom’s resentment towards her mother, for my mom and Korea, for the majority of the relationships on the board and I was failing miserably and I was ending up miserable myself.

I decided after lying down on the desk and meditating for a while to calm my mind that I needed mediation between me and my parents. I had come to realize the way they treated me was not normal. It was not normal to leave a 16 year old child 10:00 at night at a closed school. It was not normal to yell at a person after a stressful day at work. The problems of this and sorting out Korea were far beyond me. I didn’t know how to sort them. So I needed mediation. I needed to not define myself by fear and anxiety because I did not want to become like my mom. I wanted to define myself by bigger and greater things that made me smile and be happy. With this, I decided to ask for mediation.

 
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Posted in Mi-ism, Parents

 
 
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