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My Second Boyfriend

19 Feb

He was cute and I thought he was sweet. I’d met him once before and people said that they knew him. I really was attracted to him. In that teenager way I’d made a list of the things I wanted in a boyfriend. There was nothing wrong with anything on the list, but it felt wrong. I knew it was wrong. But years of being told that intuition was fluff, I ignored it. I didn’t listen to myself… and this is why I got into so much trouble.

After years of having romantic notions tucked safely in my head from reading L.M. Montgomery, seeing romance movies and not having a positive model from which I could draw for what romance was like, I thought that this was it. My Model was my mom needling my Dad into doing things and my Dad rolling over and accepting it. My model was also the idea that love conquers all. It was also from the same notions that I saw when I was born, but couldn’t quite physically remember. I didn’t know that this could be dangerous.

I was on an internship in Los Angeles. I hadn’t really gotten a firm confidence of who I was. I knew who I was, but I still wasn’t sure of who I was. I was finding myself evolving into more of myself in a way that I hadn’t had before. All these options were opening up to me. This internship at the time gave me that sort of confidence to finally be myself and feel like I wasn’t being judged for it. I met a Korean friend there for the first time and I knew what it was to be Korean for the first time in my life. My confidence wasn’t being squashed by others who told me that logic was the only way and I was connecting to my spiritual self. I was connecting to my subconscious, my inner being, my intuition, my inner child and what made me, me for the first time in my life. I felt free.

One day an ex-employee came to the office. I was attracted to him, and because I had let myself free, I had brought down all my walls, all my guards and I had broken them. College didn’t really matter anymore. My Mom was across the country and though she would call and keep at me about it, it didn’t seem to matter so much anymore. Here was a guy that I liked. But he left. And then I pushed it out of my mind and forgot.

My Korean friend held a Halloween party. I think she was remotely aware that I was attracted to this guy. Perhaps she was hooking me up.

I’m kind of strange. I like going to parties, but I hate small talk. I want to always talk about real things, like the state of the world, global warming or whatever it was. So I went, but I was really bored.

I was watching TV when the same guy came in. He reminded me that I’d met before. We started flirting. I had cataloged everything I wanted in a guy. I was attracted to him and I wasn’t used to being confident enough that guys would be attracted to me. I knew in some part that he would be my boyfriend. But an irking feeling came up in me. I wasn’t used to it yet, but it was my intuition. My intuition without having words or meaning told me this was wrong I shouldn’t choose this person. But I silenced my intuition, because my intuition was fluff, it was what my mom said wasn’t real. I pushed it down inside of me.

He took me home and not being used to the overwhelming emotions I got out of the car. It was late and I didn’t want to stay. Perhaps I should have ended it there.

About six months later my Korean friend was going to get married. I’d gone back to Buffalo. I agreed to come back for the wedding. She asked me if I had a boyfriend. I was a bit bewildered by this.

I met that guy again in the parking lot. We hit it off. It was fun. And then on the way to my Aunt’s house, he awkwardly asked me for a date. By now, my intuition was telling me this was wrong. And I was telling it back, “Why? Why is it wrong?” and ignoring it, I went forward. Meeting 3 times must be some sort of destiny, right? Meeting someone who had chivalry must be a good date.

 
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