My First Boyfriend

19 Feb

I don’t make rational decisions when I’m depressed or bored. Mirrors fall on my head When I’m bored. I once kicked the bottom of a mirror and it fell on me, leaving a gash. I am a hazard to myself and I think to others when I’m either of those things.

I’m not chronically depressed. When I get depressed it’s usually because things that I had no part in making decisions in have gotten out of control in a way that isn’t making me happy and I’m not willing to acknowledge how much I hurt inside. Because if I do, I have to face that I can’t control the situation I am in. I feel I can’t be honest about how much I really hurt. If I face that hurt, then I will realize how I can’t get out. When I feel trapped, it gets much, much worse. When I want to go somewhere and no one will let me, I sink fast. I like moving forward, so it’s hard for me to stay still.

I get inertia because I am usually wrapped in indecision. This is a thing that does happen chronically. It sometimes takes me a lot longer than others to figure out what I want to do because I approach almost all problems intuitively rather than sensory. In this way I stay stuck and then spring forward past the other people in the same situation.

In College, as I have stated, I was depressed. I wasn’t thinking rationally. I was trying to please my parents and not myself. There was a guy who had a crush on me. I was so wrapped up in my issues that I didn’t notice. I never had the confidence in myself that I was pretty enough for anyone to date. I really didn’t want to date anyhow until I was ready for marriage. I always thought it a waste in High school to date for the sake of it. Perhaps because my emotions ran high. I turned down a guy because I thought it was a joke in High School.

One day when I was looking forward to the end of College, he took me around the campus. I blithely thought that it was just two friends hanging out together, but to him it wasn’t. He said he liked me.

I was not rational. My next move caused me tremendous guilt. I really didn’t view him romantically, but I thought I should give him a chance. Maybe it was my High School experience and people asking why I wouldn’t give that other guy a chance.

This guy was Japanese. He wore glasses. He was nervous often and had dry lips.

I learned he liked me because I was good at cooking. We started a long distance relationship, but I really didn’t know him all that well. I wasn’t really thinking about a relationship like that. I was thinking about how to get out from the trap I felt I was in.

We ran up phone bills. He said he didn’t trust computers. I had been using computers before I could speak English.

He called every day and complained about his parents. Particularly his father. I started to notice he cut me off when I spoke. I didn’t like it. I tried to address it, but he ignored it. I thought it might be because I didn’t speak Japanese fluently.

I was in love with the idea of being in love. But I was not in love.

His e-mails were the same. I wrote long at the time, not knowing how to be punctual about what I wanted to say.

I feel guilty now because as a joke, I talked about marriage–I copied what my High School friends did. He took it seriously. I tried to explain it was playing around, but he didn’t understand. He started to plan our life together. I felt guilty about joking about marriage like that. I felt that I was choking. He kept saying how he wanted to go to Australia and that I would stay and home while he earned money and how many children *he* wanted. And how he wanted me to meet his parents. He kept saying how his parents didn’t like Koreans. He viewed me as American though.

I cut the line when he started pressuring me for sex and wouldn’t stop. I broke up with him. I tried by phone, but he was not there. I wrote him an e-mail, feeling even more guilty that I had to do it this way. When he didn’t understand, I tried to say why, but somehow I knew he wouldn’t. So I blocked his e-mail.

I felt extreme guilt from this. I stopped helping people get over their personal issues. I stopped taking on everything that people gave me. I gave them limitations. I mercilessly in my anger and grief blocked the people who were pulling me down further after they wouldn’t stop. I put the breaks on the eager-to-please as much as I could manage at the time.

This guilt probably contributed to why I stayed so long with my next boyfriend. That situation was ten times worse.

Comments Off

Posted in Love Life


Comments are closed.

This blog is protected by Dave\'s Spam Karma 2: 22 Spams eaten and counting...