My Definition of Normal

19 Feb

My boyfriend wore down my confidence a lot. It wasn’t direct, so I couldn’t recognize it. He would say general statements about Mexicans, and other ethnic groups. I would object to it and he would get amused by my angry face. He often said that he thought it was amusing and that would only egg him on. I said to him that I didn’t like it. He said, “I don’t believe those things, but stereotypes are there for a reason.” I often perversely thought this was because he was white.

This was an everyday occurrence, so I started to accept this as normal.

I also got a job at Starbucks. Starbucks was the wrong job for me. I am not good at customer service. I have too much perception ability and I take comments and things said to me too personally. With this combination and not being able to use my intellect I ran into problems. My self esteem plummeted. I became restless in this job and I couldn’t smile at the customers. It was like watching a ticking time bomb and wondering which of the time bombs were real and which were fake. My adherence to the rules of Starbucks and the strictness of following orders constantly got me into trouble. Because I’d followed the ghost of Appa so much I wasn’t willing to see when one should adhere or not adhere to the rules. I got used to having my self-esteem beaten down. I got used to my boyfriend saying this wasn’t a good job for me. I got used to him saying I couldn’t complain about my job. And I got used to feeling like crap. I was told by my Mom and by my boyfriend this was normal. Jobs were supposed to be miserable.

My boyfriend and I would argue. It was because he would often ignore me. It was also because I craved affection in many ways that he wasn’t willing to give me. He didn’t want to hold hands at the bank. He didn’t like public displays of affection. We were not allowed to kiss in public and he didn’t want me holding his arm at the bank. But I was searching for this affection. The more that he didn’t give it to me, the more I craved it. Maybe because he reminded me of Appa, but I couldn’t make out Appa’s image. I wanted to know what Appa looked like, but I couldn’t remember. I was getting used to craving this affection. This, too, became normal.

My boyfriend would often ignore my hunger and my basic needs too. He did book readings for children. And he would tell me before we got home that it was sad if he had to eat alone, but he would get mad at me for wanting to leave early. Sometimes he would hang out in the store for hours on end. He would say to me that he liked it when I came and because I wanted to please him, I gave in. I came to his book readings and would starve. I would tell him that I was hungry. It was 8 o’clock and I had been working for most of the day so I was feeling grumpy. He ignored me. He got upset at me. We argued a lot about it. It was only pressing if he was hungry and grumpy. I accepted this, too as normal.

My boyfriend’s definition of a good woman was a perfect housewife that brought home a paycheck. This lacked quite a bit of reality because he refused to wash dishes and would get upset at the fact that I cooked and used dishes but at the same time would expect me to cook, or we had to eat fast food. I was always being economical and wanted to make large batches of food and eat that, but he would say he was getting sick of that food. Women, according to him were supposed to cook, clean, do the dishes, and work a full time job. The man’s job was to work and watch TV and buy things for himself. I got rightfully pissed at him for this definition of women. I told him several times that he couldn’t have it both ways and since I had to work and be on my feet for 8 hours that he’d have to do some of the housework. I am not good at cleaning, I know that. I can’t actually see my own messes. But he wasn’t willing to do it either. He would berate me for not doing any cleaning at all. The harder I tried to help out with the cleaning, the more he said I was doing it wrong, but then he wouldn’t do it himself because he sad work was hard. When he did do a chore, it was only once in a blue moon and he would shoot me a look of resentment or voice his resentment for having to do so at all. But because this was a slow process of discovery and not overnight, I didn’t realize this was a shoddy definition of women. And because my self esteem was constantly being put down I never had time to step outside of myself and look at the situation from a critical eye. So I accepted this as normal.

The list goes on like this. Where I accepted things as normal. It was not an overnight process, it took months or even years for this to develop. And because I couldn’t see an option on how to get out of this situation and because my pride was so strong, I let it go.

Comments Off

Posted in Love Life


Comments are closed.

This blog is protected by Dave\'s Spam Karma 2: 22 Spams eaten and counting...