December | 2011 | A portrait of one Korean Adoptee–Kim Yunmi Dot Com

Archive for December, 2011

The things I can and can’t do.

I can love you no matter what, through thick and thin. I can forgive you when you do wrong by understanding what you are doing.

I can’t, however, make you nurture me, love me or make myself have a family not be at the other side of the world. I have another family. I can’t un-Koreran myself for you, no matter how hard I try, or ignore the fact that that history runs through my blood. I can’t un-American myself because they are part of my history of growing up and their history runs through me too.

The only thing I can do is love you, even when you turn your back on how I define myself and look at my nature. I can try to become stronger by focusing on becoming more resilient. But right now, I’m soft, I’m fragile and I don’t like when I feel like I’m being pulled into a million pieces of only what you want me to be. Because at the end of the day I can only define myself by my own choices and my own history and actions. I can’t be only your daughter, because I have three other parents to please–but in the end if I only please them, I will not be happy with me.

But I can’t make you nurturing, defending, caring, humble. I will not try, because those things are a part of you. I can hope, I can wait, but the gap and the divide will not close, because no matter what I cannot undo what is me.