February | 2011 | A portrait of one Korean Adoptee–Kim Yunmi Dot Com

Archive for February, 2011

Forgiveness and reconciliation

Reconciliation is not forgiveness. Forgiveness is for yourself. Reconciliation is for others. If you want to heal hurt and pain, you should forgive, but you DO NOT have to reconcile.

I forgave Appa because I understand why he ditched me for the second time in my life such that it hurt incredibly bad. I mean I was a wreck and barely could think straight. I forgave him, but I am not reconciling with that man. He’s likely to do it again and put me into danger again. I cannot risk that.

I don’t have the best relationship with my parents. But by understanding why I was able to forgive them, but I have no plans to reconcile with them. The backhanded hurt they deal is not something I can handle.

Forgiveness is for yourself–so you can let go of the anger. Because anger kills, it defeats the human spirit. There is righteous anger in the world–such as against oppressors, those that won’t understand equality and social justice. But holding onto anger so one can play victim and not become a survivor… I can’t agree with that. It only defeats yourself and your goals and colors everything around you so you can’t see straight or even advance beyond yourself.

Once you stop playing victim, you become a survivor–a survivor of adoption and all the horrid things it did to you. You can also see the good it did for you and even see what the oppression gave you–though I don’t think you have to be grateful for that. It just opens your mind that much more. When you are a victim, you are full of fear, hate and start defining yourself like that, start clinging to love but never finding it. Blame everyone for your current hardships even if they had nothing to do with you turning left instead of right at the traffic light. You never take responsibility for the crap you make nor the crap that others gave to you but your life would be so much easier if you handled that crap too. In clinical terms that makes you Borderline.

After survivor, you can choose to become an activist. This means talking about your pain and using education to back yourself up to talk to you oppressors in terms they understand so they start becoming your advocates. And if enough people listen, you become a revolutionary–a person that changed the world away from the harm that caused your pain and your grief.

When you see the larger picture, and understand all that it gives, then you can forgive. But forgiveness is not reconciliation. It’s part of the journey through yourself to see the good and the bad in the world because it just is that way and sometimes there is no one to blame, the more you see and come to understand it.


Reference: http://www.guidetopsychology.com/forgive.htm